You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler