The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet