Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
You Might Also Like
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..