I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
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Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.