[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I