Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
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Europe. Made in Germany.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
idk flipping houses looks really hard
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY