Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
i- i did not expect this
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man