I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.