“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
This is painfully accurate 😅
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour