Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.