My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.