Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
fair
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.