DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
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At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.