I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second