*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Breaking news:
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No