Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood