saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
O Wise One….
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk