“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..