[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
If you know, you know
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”