I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
where the womens at?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
*launders Kohls cash*
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.