The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.