*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Haha good job!!
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.