Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips