ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I hate my earbuds.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.