Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
You Might Also Like
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
If I ignore life will it go away?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels