yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
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I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I ate everything, including the H.
Sunday
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops