it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
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Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I feel this so hard
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.