A wise man once said nothing.
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Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
dads on road-trips be like
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.