Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
This is sending me to another galaxy
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.