6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
#oldknees
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.