#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The Joker was right
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.