when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
What about second breakfast?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.