DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
You Might Also Like
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Y’all ready for this
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
john wicks are toilet candles
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??