“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.