You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.