happy birthday to me. i am 25.
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
An odd boast
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.