“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Important
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks