Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
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18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.