If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Noah was an idiot.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train