Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.