A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Herpes is trending, good job people
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”