what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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Welcome to the stomach
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
🏙👨🏼
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.