I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life