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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?