People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
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Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.