I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.