I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My favorite farside!!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
choose your gary
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some