Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night