“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I never needed anything more in my life
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
The Birdles
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!