roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
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You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!